Friday, March 14, 2014

Happy Joy Joy!: Why I Am Skeptical of Happiness OR Welcome to My PMDD

I once got mad at an ex for using exclamation marks after every sentence in his letter to me.  It's sad but true that I am leery of overly enthusiastic sorts.

But today?  Today I am going to bask in the feeling that tiny little effervescent bubbles of quiet joy are rising to the surface :-).  The last 5 days or so I have felt unusually peaceful and not as high strung as I tend to be during this time of the month.  YES- THAT TIME; the week preceding my period where I usually want nothing more than to be left alone and if you know what's good for you, you would be more than obliging.  It's NOT typical.  It's NOT PMS.  It's much more debilitating than being a little more moody than usual.  It's an ultra sensitivity that some women have to their own hormonal fluctuations which manifests itself physiologically by way of overcompensating for the imbalances their bodies perceive are threatening their homeostasis.  It's called PMDD which is short for "pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder."   Less than 10% (numbers vary between 3-10%) of menstruating women have it which is probably supposed to make me feel special, but it doesn't.  Especially since I have never been a "typical" enough case to actually be diagnosed as such.  Without going into too much of the diagnostic aspect of it (go here http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004461/ if you'd like to), I can have depression and irritability on days other than the typical week before your period.  But that being said (and it even acknowledges it in that link), there is definitely someone pumping up the volume dial of my symptoms those 7-8 days (anytime after ovulation really, i.e. second half of the cycle) before the relief that comes with my period.  Yes, the relief.  So if you're miserable when you start your period, you probably don't have PMDD.  Other unpleasantries and disruptions to your life?  YES. But PMDD? NOT SO MUCH.

OH MY GOSH!  I really wanted to talk about how good I feel right now!  But I always feel the need to give background information so you (really I'm writing for my own clarity but if this helps you that's awesome) can get the BIG PICTURE.   And there's a lot going on in this picture (maybe even enough to create my own IMAX movie).  Make no mistake, this is really personal stuff and not something I usually bring up in many conversations.  And it's taken me YEARS (I'm 44) to give voice to it.  This is me being almost as vulnerable as I can possibly imagine.   I finally have some time, with all my kids in school and working part-time at home, to work through this and allow God to bring everything together so that I can really begin to heal.  I wish it hadn't taken this long.  I have been trying to do the right things for myself, my body and my family all along but, alas, I am so very mortal- so flawed- and I need help and I need the faith and hope to understand that help IS available.  I have felt trapped by some of my life situations and I have felt extremely liberated by others.    What is this opposition that continually besets me? Why must my earth life be so RICH with this experience?  Well, there are a few scriptures that answer this for me: 2 Nephi Chapter 2 (The Book of Mormon) and The Doctrine & Covenants section 122.  You can Google them if you like.  But here is my favorite part where Jacob's father, Lehi, sounds a LOT like our Heavenly Father in addressing his children:
 I have none other object save it be the everlasting awelfare of your souls. 
I read a book this past week which may also have a LOT to do with why I feel lighter.  Now I've read MANY a near-death experience book before and I enjoy them much and they also create a feeling of lightness, love and eternal perspective for me that I crave.  This one left me feeling those things too but a little more earthbound.  It was not an NDE.  At least not in the near death of the physical body sense.  The woman was alive but so spiritually and physically exhausted that she thought she'd be better off dead.  She was a very prayerful mother of 4 kids going through some health struggles, financial stresses with their businesses and the stress of parenting.  She actually decided to get on her knees in her extreme distress and offer one last prayer to explain to God why she couldn't go on and why her family was better off without her.  According to her, an angel came and invited her to come with him.   In so doing her spirit did separate from her physical body and she had an experience witnessing the time before her birth when she was in an educational facility where we all prepared for our earth lives.  She met with Heavenly Father and felt of His confidence in and love for her as he extended an invitation to her to receive a special assignment should she so choose to accept it.  Her memories of her pre-earth life and how much she had already grown and become at that point amazed her.  Everyone there amazed her.  We were ALL amazing and on earth, with a more metaphorical STEEL than GUAZE like veil placed in our brains, only understand tiny glitches of how amazing we were -and are- in this life.   And she was amazed by how perfect Heavenly Father is and how he loved and deeply cared for each of us and how much we trusted and wanted to become just like Him.   It's called A Glimpse of Heaven: One Woman's Life-Altering Visit with God.  The rest of the book is about how she goes about fulfilling this "mission" despite many setbacks and some of the unromantic outcomes.

One of the interesting things that struck me about this experience was that, like many others who've had NDEs, the circumstances leading to and following such encounters were not always neatly resolved.   Like it or not, life has a natural form of resistance built into it so that we don't become complacent or negligent to character building experiences, even if we've seen God and know some of the switches and levers behind the Great Oz's curtain.    After reading so many different beyond the veil accounts I see how presumptuous it is to only know more of the plan through more of our senses.  We must experience it.  We must experience it IN a mortal body.  It is only through this very personal struggle that we come to truly know God and what we are made of and by whom we can be made whole again.  And WHY.  Why?  Here's another scripture from 2 Nephi 2.  Verse 25
tells us:
aAdam bfell that men might be; and men care, that they might have djoy.
I believe that JOY is the ultimate appreciation for and true understanding of real LOVE.   This kind of love can only be experienced between Creator and Creation.  We felt a portion of that before we came to earth.  Then we feel the distress that comes through separation at birth from all that we knew and loved (even though we forget everything, our spirit matter remembers and grieves) but we get to experience new connections here in families, friendships and communities; people we may have even known and been connected to before.  But our Creator is unseen; He who first created us and loved us. We can see evidence of Him everywhere in the other works of His creation (Nature, Space, others) but we miss Him and the Light and Love that emanate from his physical and spiritual presence.   There are limitations placed on us because of what Christians call the Fall.  We are now working our way back up-- the RISE I guess you could call it.  But, don't be fooled,  it looks more like a roller coaster than an escalator and there was a huge piece of track missing that only Jesus Christ could rebuild and has through a thing called the ATONEMENT: a sacrificial offering of love and Priesthood power.  I think my personal trials in life have done everything to illustrate and bring this concept home for me.  Being a woman and mother is no cake walk but I have come to learn something of the love my heavenly parents must have for me when I share tender moments with my kids.  My mental and physical health struggles challenge me to reach up and out for insight and the strength to forge new habits and solutions that will bless me.  Mostly I struggle with the patience it takes to serve imperfectly, realizing that God's grace is enough to make up for what I lack.  And I get discouraged and feel like God is ignoring my needs.

But He's not. That's why I wanted to write today.  I want to thank my Heavenly Father for inspiring me in all the little ways that seem to finally be making a big difference.  Those, I suppose, will be topics for future blog posts because I really need to get off this computer.  But know that I know He is helping me!  (yes, that is an exclamation point!!!)






Thursday, February 13, 2014

Into the Red

As usual, the original reason I began creating this post in my head, has become many more reasons.

(**sigh**)My cup overfloweth.

NOTE: if you are squeemish about blood and medical processes (this is for people like my twin daughters), please skip this post.  It is not gory by any means....but let this be a -pardon the pun- RED FLAG.

Suddenly I feel at a loss for words.  Into the red.  In the red. Operating at a loss.  Deficient.  Indebted. In debt.  Debt.  Loss.  Deficit.  Anemia.  Anemic.

Yes, Anemia!  That is what started this whole thing, actually.  I went into my primary care physician's office last September to get the GREEN FLAG on an 8-week team fitness challenge that I had entered a week before.  I actually did have some concerns that I wanted to discuss with her.  I had been biking quite a bit in preparation for the challenge and found that while I would feel pretty good on the ride, 1-2 hours after the ride I would need to shut down and sleep.  I also would feel out of breath after going upstairs.  And I had been experiencing a chronic cough for a while that I attributed mostly to our yucky inversion systems here that create a huge pocket of polluted air to rest over our mountain surrounded valleys.  I could feel fine but then after I'd be outside biking or walking, the cough would begin and I'd feel like a tuberculosis victim for the next few weeks.

I had a hard time spitting all this out for her, feeling like a hypochondriac, but also just real foggy and slow and...yawn, TIRED.  She decided

she'd like to get a CBC (complete blood count) on me.  It's a pretty standard test that measures the different amount, size and type of blood cells and components floating through your veins.

Now mind you, many of these symptoms are things I'm pretty used to.  I'm prone to being ultra-sensitive to the waxing and waning of female hormones that occurs in a dramatic cyclical fashion in my life.  It is no coincidence that when ANY hormone of the body is out of balance, an equal and opposite reaction of the body is to create homeostasis (functional balance). This happens via  a lovely dance of pushing and pulling, reception and inhibition, protection and annihilation.  Our bodies do this dance daily, hourly, CONSTANTLY.  Building up, tearing down, replacing, recycling, inhaling, exhaling....you get the picture, right?  Most of us do this without noticing all the side-effects of this "wax on wax off" dance and process homeostasis effortlessly. My experience of fatigue and energy, mental confusion and clarity and exhilaration and depression (sometimes apathy) makes for a precarious existence which I like to call interesting or multifaceted.  Many don't notice my struggle.  I often lack the desire or energy to explain it and focus on something more enjoyable that catches my attention.  Sometimes the cycle is exciting but mostly, at the end of the day, it is exhausting. Finding humor in the journey and hope in the plan of salvation of my Creator is how I survive.  I am so blessed to have a husband who understands, even when he doesn't always LIKE and who can laugh with me rather than have me admitted somewhere.  (Happy Valentines Day Tim, I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH).  He most always sees the good and amazing in me and reminds me it's very much there when all I see is LACK and inconsistency.  My struggles are mostly internal until I get to the point of implosion or explosion:).  Iron-deficiency anemia (just one of my imbalances manifesting as a nutritional deficiency) has been an implosion which I'd like to keep from exploding.  Wait, who am I kidding? It kind of explodes every month.  I menstruate on the heavy side every month and my hematologist believes that to be the main leak of iron (which leads to low hemoglobin, which leads to wimpy red blood cells, which leads to the organ systems of my body being deprived of fresh oxygen, which leads to all the fun symptoms and if left unchecked, death). Yipee!  

So I backed off a lot on the intensity of my exercise regimen.

When the results of the CBC came back low AND the follow-up Ferritin (a protein that stores and releases iron) test were also low, I was referred to a blood specialist (hematologist) and an OBGYN to see how to stop the "leak."  I've been low on my hemoglobin and iron before.  They typically test it when you're pregnant and I had to supplement for a while with all my kids.  I kind of wish they had tested ferritin back then.   How long have I been operating on a mostly depleted store of iron?  Could it have affected my children's development as the pregnancy progressed and iron was assumed to be operating at normal levels?  So many questions.  Which of my other "imbalances" may have been exacerbated or even primarily caused by this condition?  Did my years of vegetarianism (about 5) contribute to a borderline iron deficiency that eventually led to severe iron-deficiency anemia?  

I went through a 6 week stint of receiving iron sucrose IVs and improvements are being made, but it is slow.  The doctor says it could take a year to built up my iron levels and reserves to a safe and healthy level.  I enjoy (always have unless I was being a vegetarian) red meat, spinach, nuts, seeds and don't drink or eat dairy which has been known to interfere with iron absorption.

There is so much conflicting information out there about health, nutrition and wellness.  I have adopted many different healthy eating programs in my life in an effort to optimize my health. Again, consistency is what I struggle with when it comes to implementing and creating realistic routines in my life.  And I have seen how the philosophies and incomplete science of man can offer hope but also not really have the entire picture or the customized version optimal for each individual.  Our knowledge and implementation of that which is good for us needs to be constantly updated, revised and tweaked to meet the needs of each person and stage of life.  It is easy to fall into the trap of "oh I know what works for me right now, it will work in the future and it will most certainly work for you too."  Just as Moses looked to God for constant direction in liberating the Israelites from Egyptian bondage (and not soley relying on earlier revelations of former prophets) and in leading his people through the wilderness for 40 years (would not have been that long had the people trusted and heeded Moses' counsel) before making their home in Canaan, we need to look for relevant information for our problems both physical and spiritual.  There are concepts and principles that will ALWAYS be true, but there are also things happening in an ever changing world (and body) that will require updates, revisions and tweaking. 

My life has been a tutorial in the notion of "more information needed".   I have a family and with that, 5 people besides myself for whom I feel a responsibility.  5 other individuals with their own make-ups, talents and challenges who are growing and changing daily though I sometimes wish they would not!   I need insight from professionals of all disciplines and I very much appreciate scholars and researches and authors who educate us on these things.   I am skeptical but hopeful about much that comes to light because of their hard, and what I hope is thorough, work.  I'm also coming to appreciate the intuitive arts and the order and harmony that exists even while chaos ensues.  Yogis, good astrologers, healers and artists of all kinds also see the patterns of chaos and harmony in all things.  I learn much from them and the fruits of their labors also.  

But I really need my Father. The father of my eternal spirit and the father of my loved ones' eternal spirits.  I work on trusting Him implicitly with the deficits, the loss and "the red" of this life.  His son, my elder brother and Savior, has overcome ALL THINGS.  He desires us all to succeed and rise to our full eternal potential; a potential that is only partially realized here in this earthly state.   This Savior can bring abundance into our lives even when we feel destitute and deficient.  He promises His spirit and His peace -"not as the world giveth" mind you- and he promises the power to overcome all obstacles and corruptions of nature, even death.  I am so grateful for His promises, blessings and special covenants: all that will bring me out of the red and into the white.