Into the Red

As usual, the original reason I began creating this post in my head, has become many more reasons.

(**sigh**)My cup overfloweth.

NOTE: if you are squeemish about blood and medical processes (this is for people like my twin daughters), please skip this post.  It is not gory by any means....but let this be a -pardon the pun- RED FLAG.

Suddenly I feel at a loss for words.  Into the red.  In the red. Operating at a loss.  Deficient.  Indebted. In debt.  Debt.  Loss.  Deficit.  Anemia.  Anemic.

Yes, Anemia!  That is what started this whole thing, actually.  I went into my primary care physician's office last September to get the GREEN FLAG on an 8-week team fitness challenge that I had entered a week before.  I actually did have some concerns that I wanted to discuss with her.  I had been biking quite a bit in preparation for the challenge and found that while I would feel pretty good on the ride, 1-2 hours after the ride I would need to shut down and sleep.  I also would feel out of breath after going upstairs.  And I had been experiencing a chronic cough for a while that I attributed mostly to our yucky inversion systems here that create a huge pocket of polluted air to rest over our mountain surrounded valleys.  I could feel fine but then after I'd be outside biking or walking, the cough would begin and I'd feel like a tuberculosis victim for the next few weeks.

I had a hard time spitting all this out for her, feeling like a hypochondriac, but also just real foggy and slow and...yawn, TIRED.  She decided

she'd like to get a CBC (complete blood count) on me.  It's a pretty standard test that measures the different amount, size and type of blood cells and components floating through your veins.

Now mind you, many of these symptoms are things I'm pretty used to.  I'm prone to being ultra-sensitive to the waxing and waning of female hormones that occurs in a dramatic cyclical fashion in my life.  It is no coincidence that when ANY hormone of the body is out of balance, an equal and opposite reaction of the body is to create homeostasis (functional balance). This happens via  a lovely dance of pushing and pulling, reception and inhibition, protection and annihilation.  Our bodies do this dance daily, hourly, CONSTANTLY.  Building up, tearing down, replacing, recycling, inhaling, exhaling....you get the picture, right?  Most of us do this without noticing all the side-effects of this "wax on wax off" dance and process homeostasis effortlessly. My experience of fatigue and energy, mental confusion and clarity and exhilaration and depression (sometimes apathy) makes for a precarious existence which I like to call interesting or multifaceted.  Many don't notice my struggle.  I often lack the desire or energy to explain it and focus on something more enjoyable that catches my attention.  Sometimes the cycle is exciting but mostly, at the end of the day, it is exhausting. Finding humor in the journey and hope in the plan of salvation of my Creator is how I survive.  I am so blessed to have a husband who understands, even when he doesn't always LIKE and who can laugh with me rather than have me admitted somewhere.  (Happy Valentines Day Tim, I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH).  He most always sees the good and amazing in me and reminds me it's very much there when all I see is LACK and inconsistency.  My struggles are mostly internal until I get to the point of implosion or explosion:).  Iron-deficiency anemia (just one of my imbalances manifesting as a nutritional deficiency) has been an implosion which I'd like to keep from exploding.  Wait, who am I kidding? It kind of explodes every month.  I menstruate on the heavy side every month and my hematologist believes that to be the main leak of iron (which leads to low hemoglobin, which leads to wimpy red blood cells, which leads to the organ systems of my body being deprived of fresh oxygen, which leads to all the fun symptoms and if left unchecked, death). Yipee!  

So I backed off a lot on the intensity of my exercise regimen.

When the results of the CBC came back low AND the follow-up Ferritin (a protein that stores and releases iron) test were also low, I was referred to a blood specialist (hematologist) and an OBGYN to see how to stop the "leak."  I've been low on my hemoglobin and iron before.  They typically test it when you're pregnant and I had to supplement for a while with all my kids.  I kind of wish they had tested ferritin back then.   How long have I been operating on a mostly depleted store of iron?  Could it have affected my children's development as the pregnancy progressed and iron was assumed to be operating at normal levels?  So many questions.  Which of my other "imbalances" may have been exacerbated or even primarily caused by this condition?  Did my years of vegetarianism (about 5) contribute to a borderline iron deficiency that eventually led to severe iron-deficiency anemia?  

I went through a 6 week stint of receiving iron sucrose IVs and improvements are being made, but it is slow.  The doctor says it could take a year to built up my iron levels and reserves to a safe and healthy level.  I enjoy (always have unless I was being a vegetarian) red meat, spinach, nuts, seeds and don't drink or eat dairy which has been known to interfere with iron absorption.

There is so much conflicting information out there about health, nutrition and wellness.  I have adopted many different healthy eating programs in my life in an effort to optimize my health. Again, consistency is what I struggle with when it comes to implementing and creating realistic routines in my life.  And I have seen how the philosophies and incomplete science of man can offer hope but also not really have the entire picture or the customized version optimal for each individual.  Our knowledge and implementation of that which is good for us needs to be constantly updated, revised and tweaked to meet the needs of each person and stage of life.  It is easy to fall into the trap of "oh I know what works for me right now, it will work in the future and it will most certainly work for you too."  Just as Moses looked to God for constant direction in liberating the Israelites from Egyptian bondage (and not soley relying on earlier revelations of former prophets) and in leading his people through the wilderness for 40 years (would not have been that long had the people trusted and heeded Moses' counsel) before making their home in Canaan, we need to look for relevant information for our problems both physical and spiritual.  There are concepts and principles that will ALWAYS be true, but there are also things happening in an ever changing world (and body) that will require updates, revisions and tweaking. 

My life has been a tutorial in the notion of "more information needed".   I have a family and with that, 5 people besides myself for whom I feel a responsibility.  5 other individuals with their own make-ups, talents and challenges who are growing and changing daily though I sometimes wish they would not!   I need insight from professionals of all disciplines and I very much appreciate scholars and researches and authors who educate us on these things.   I am skeptical but hopeful about much that comes to light because of their hard, and what I hope is thorough, work.  I'm also coming to appreciate the intuitive arts and the order and harmony that exists even while chaos ensues.  Yogis, good astrologers, healers and artists of all kinds also see the patterns of chaos and harmony in all things.  I learn much from them and the fruits of their labors also.  

But I really need my Father. The father of my eternal spirit and the father of my loved ones' eternal spirits.  I work on trusting Him implicitly with the deficits, the loss and "the red" of this life.  His son, my elder brother and Savior, has overcome ALL THINGS.  He desires us all to succeed and rise to our full eternal potential; a potential that is only partially realized here in this earthly state.   This Savior can bring abundance into our lives even when we feel destitute and deficient.  He promises His spirit and His peace -"not as the world giveth" mind you- and he promises the power to overcome all obstacles and corruptions of nature, even death.  I am so grateful for His promises, blessings and special covenants: all that will bring me out of the red and into the white.