Photo by Christie Thomas from FreeImages
I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts lately, searching out the stories of marginalized people who are overcoming life’s challenges and society’s prejudices. I am intensely curious about the individual human experience and have been since I decided to read every single book in the American Heroes biography series at Smoketree Elementary’s school library. There was a pretty broad spectrum of early American historical figures from Dolley Madison and Harriet Tubman to Paul Revere and George Washington Carver. I was pleasantly surprised to learn about so many women from this collection. Even as a young girl I felt a lack of historical representation and pretty much ate up the stories of these women who gained notoriety either on their own merits or through the position of their husbands. I was touched by Mary Todd Lincoln’s struggles with grief and depression as she outlived her husband and three of her four children. I admired Florence Nightingale’s compassion and her vision and drive to improve the care of wounded soldiers.
So what does this introduction have to do with being medicated, as the title of this entry suggests? I went through a mini identity crisis last week. I was pondering, perhaps for the thousandth time, who am I? What do I really feel? What are MY needs? And, does anyone else really care? How much does my SSRI medication blunt me from the reality around me from day to day? Would I be able to represent myself better if my brain wasn’t constantly infused with recycled neurotransmitters bathing my synapses? Have I lost touch with my true feelings and passions and drives as this brain state has been my normal setting for over 19 years straight (with only a few switches in dose, formula and regimen)? To reference Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians,
12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
How dark is my glass? Does this medication make it darker? Can my Creator see through whatever mists this medication creates and see the true desires of my heart even if I am not feeling “clear”? How shall I “know even as also I am known?”
I understand that this scripture is distinguishing between what I can know NOW and what will be made clear at a future time.
10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
I realize through seeing the context of these verses that the answer regarding clarity is CHARITY- the pure love of Christ- the ultimate lens of true worth, experience and value. The whole chapter is a treatise on charity and its ability to conquer all doubt and discouragement- in ourselves, in others and in doctrine- and to have faith in Christ’s mission, love and atonement.
So I talked myself off the ledge with the Spirit’s help. I am grateful for my treatment plan even if now it is only “part” and not “perfect”. It enables me to hold on and continue to learn new things; to witness the lives of my children and to continue in patience in loving them and my husband as I love myself. I may never contribute in a grand way worthy of an entire chapter book. But I can, in a small and simple way, testify of what faith in the Lord Jesus Christ can do for an individual and a family.
