IMPACT

That moment you actually may have seen coming but can never truly brace yourself for.  BAM. (I could insert one of those horrid video clips of teens laughing and having a gay ole time packed  in a car until they are suddenly collided into head-on and everything goes black.  But I won't.)

 A few weeks ago I thought it would be a great idea to ride my bike the uphill/downhill route to our local library - about 8 miles round trip. The weather had taken a turn for the better, it seemed, as the sun was shining.  (NOTE TO SELF & all other Utah residents: equating sunshine to great biking weather is akin to saying "All is well in Zion!"  You are asking for divine correction.)  Always game for killing 2 birds with 1 stone (really, I love birds), I gloated at the thought of returning my daughter's library book that had a hold on it AND being so fortunate as to get a load of exercise in at the same time.  HEAVEN.

It was soon apparent to me that with the beautifully benign sunshine came some good old-fashioned Utah wind.

 "Put your hands in the air like ya just don't care!"

But I did. Care. It being a northerly wind gust it was obvious that my southern trip to the city center was going to be A DELIGHT.  No, I'm not afraid of a little resistance.  That's more bang for my buck- but I had done this before and it. was.  a.  drag.  Anyways, the ride there took a bit longer than I thought but it wasn't that bad.  Just made me look all that much more forward to the easy breezy ride home.  I had all sorts of Irish blessings coming to life for me, the most obvious and real to me at that moment was "may the wind be ever at your back."  And so on the ride home I was feeling very fortunate that the wind was indeed at my back.  Only the interesting thing is, is that when the wind is behind you you don't really realize what a boon it is to your progress. Until you stop to marvel at what obviously great shape you're in because the hill feels like nuthin' and stopping is harder than pedaling.  "Oh gee thanks little 45 mph wind gust.  Guess I can't rest on my cardiovascular laurels yet - sigh..."  It's crazy how you really may NOT notice a good thing when you have it.

So when I crested the top of the pass that claims you're at 4,567 feet (or some-such , I knew the best was yet to come as the rest of my journey home was downhill.  I rode on the road to avoid some horrendous potholes I knew were on the bike path and then as I was turning back onto the path I could feel I was going much much faster than I realized. I put on my brakes to slow down while simultaneously thinking " I should've worn my helmet," and then BAM.  One second I was on my seat and the next I was on the ground: sudden impact.  And yes I'd hit my head on the ground.  All I could do was just be there in that moment of impact and try to figure out what had just happened.  Time seemed to stand still.  I think I was in shock - I simply couldn't make sense of it.  My head, my right hand, my left knee and my braced shoulders had taken the impact, absorbed the shock of going from however fast I was going to ZERO.  That experience of going from carefree cruiser to heavy laden shock absorb-er is emblazoned in my memory.  I'll never ride the same way again.  I will now anticipate the skill and preparation time it takes to be aware of wind conditions, speed and subtle braking techniques.  I will not sacrifice my head for the convenience and freedom of letting the wind blow my hair and listening unencumbered to my tunes.

When I told my husband the title of this post he knew exactly what I was going to write about but also added a truth from a Book of Mormon prophet: "Wickedness never was happiness." (Alma 41:10).  What?  I wasn't being wicked and that's why I crashed.  Careless and stupid for not wearing a helmet, yes, but not rebelliously wicked.  I don't think very many people are really that wicked.  Just careless and ...inexperienced.  God cannot alter natural laws of cause and effect and we are here in mortality to learn and experience some of those laws.  And spiritual laws, if you can actually separate them from natural laws, are no different.  Neither we nor nature can alter the outcome of transgressing spiritual laws.  We can be ignorant and careless with them, even avoiding the effects for a season, but there WILL be moments of sudden IMPACT when it will be very obvious that all is not well.   I know we can trust God, our Creator.  He leads and guides our lives with wisdom, patience and loving kindness because He's been there.  He's also provided a way to heal and redirect us when we get hurt.  He gives us guidelines and boundaries (commandments and words of wisdom) to keep us and our families safe as we journey along this mortal road.  And He provided a Savior, capable of absorbing the impact of sin on billions of souls, to atone for the mistakes that we sometimes feel, and often do not, until many others are affected - or impacted.

Forrest Gump

Have you ever thought how cleansing it would be to just go for a walk?  And then...just...keep...walking?

I have moments of such desire constantly.

Minus the beard.

So for my second post I thought I'd ramble on about how spacey I am. lol.  And how it makes me laugh that I am so spacey.  And how my mother claims she has ADD and we kids laugh at that too.  And how I'm thinking just starting this blog will make me more focused! (readers -can you hear the maniacal laughter???)  Really, I don't usually mock myself so heartily because I also can get depressed and irritable when I reflect on these things.  In fact, I am in such a precarious mental state right now that I probably should be writing about "safer" subjects.   But, ok, I think going on a long walk is pretty safe, don't you?  Henry David Thoreau believed walking in nature was like a trek to the Holy Land: So we saunter toward the Holy Land, til one day the sun shall shine more brightly than ever he has done, shall perchance shine into our minds and hearts, and light up our whole lives with a great awakening light, as warm and serene and golden as on a bankside in autumn. (from Walking)  This is what I believe is my purpose for writing and for walking - and why I chose Into The White as my blog's name (besides being a very cool Pixie's song and referencing my married name).

There are many who don't seem to require these kinds of pilgrimages, long or short, in order to maintain their personal peace and intergrity, but I believe it is essential to preserving one's spiritual peace and integrity.  I know it is so for me.  In his talk "Of Things That Matter Most," Dieter F. Uchtdorf quotes Ghandi when pondering the solution to the stresses of modern life: 

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

There are seasons for speed and work and seasons for rest and reflection and I'm thankful they are all part of the plan.  Even if I'm not always in charge of their timing.

Sowing the Seeds of (Self) Love

Whenever I want to be sure my motives are pure I bring it all down and back to LOVE.  It's kind of part of having a LOT of planets in the sign of Libra when I was born to this earthly plane.  (If you have somehow reached this post through no cajoling on my part, then this is where I disclose that you will find occasional astrological references in posts where most "normal" people would not expect. I may elaborate on that in a another post...)  It's also just part of being human.  A human who loves love.  Not that animals and other lifeforms don't exude or receive love.  Have you ever heard of the rice experiment? (my first in-post link!)  It's absolutely fascinating.  Even rice seems to respond to love (and hate.) Someday soon I will have my family do this. But for my first post I thought I'd just sow some seeds of love and see what comes back to me.
Here a video example.  And yes, I grew up in the 80s AND saw these guys in concert. (my first video link!  This just keeps getting better and better folks!)

And here's a true confession:  while I love MANY things, I have a hard time loving myself fully and unconditionally.  And I don't like admitting that (part of my Venus in Virgo I imagine).  I'm getting better at it, but because the purpose of my blogging is to bring clarity and infuse light into my life,  I'm getting really real and putting some of my insecurities out there.  Don't worry - I have plenty of braggadocio to go along with the humility :).  To give you a better idea about who I am I will divulge some of what I love in general and some of what I love about myself.  Hopefully it will inspire you to make your own list and give yourself a hug.   So here goes:

1. I LOVE being a Mormon (short term for a baptized member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I really do and it's about time I admitted it free and clear (you see it's not quite as cool to be a Mormon AND live in Utah.  It was much more interesting when I lived in NJ. Thanks Dad, for letting the missionaries set an appointment with you and mom to come back even when you were busy that New Years' day AND had a stockpile of holiday liquor on your front step.  It's been the gift that just keeps on giving.
2. I LOVE astrology.  It has been one of the few things that I've never gotten tired of learning more about.  Since I have my natal moon in Gemini and all...
3. I LOVE music.  And lots of different kinds at that.  Mostly I appreciate good rhythm, a fantastic bass line and interesting (not merely sappy) lyrics which reflect a variety of subjects and explorations (I can't listen to a country station for very long -sorry).
4. I LOVE the challenge and growth opportunity that has been MOTHERHOOD.
5. I LOVE finding natural ways to live clean and healthy.
6. I LOVE that I have never given up when things have been hard or uncomfortable for me.
7. I LOVE that I really try to give others the benefit of the doubt.  My 4th grade teacher, Mr. Russell, taught me that and it's one of the fews things that has stayed with me through the years.
8. I LOVE that I am deeply affected by music.  It helps me feel when sometimes I block myself from my feelings.  
9. I LOVE that I'm kind of sexy and I know it. (ah and I'm funny too)
10. I LOVE that I'm good at chilling out.

Are you feeling the love???