“How did I get HERE?”

Seriously.  How did I get here?  I am sitting in the waiting area of a “Mercedes-Benz Campus”.  I feel very uncomfortable and yet so pleased at the same time.  But mostly horrified and not surprised by the voice in my head that says “You don’t really belong here.”  

But I LIKE it here. 

 Everyone should be able to come to a nice place to get their “home on the road,” or car, looked at.   We are all intrinsically worthy of this kind of treatment: complimentary snacks & drinks, a clean & bright atmosphere and courteous & capable employees.  My husband (My financial contribution to our situation is marginal.  My emotional and partner-empowering support, epic.) worked just as hard his entire life as he has in the last 7 years that our financial situation has gotten better. That means we can usually, at some point, afford the debt, be it medical or auto/house maintenance, that we get into. And we have no consumer debt because it has scared the pants off us in the past and we just really have made ourselves live within our means. And we can do some nice things with his employment perks. But let’s be real.  Despite the fact that my brakes have squeaked on and off for the last 4 months, I only came in today because I got a recall notice.  That means they will update something vaguely important for FREE.  I’m still a frugal chic with an eye for quality. We’ll see how frugally I get out of here.

 

See we bought this car used about 5 months ago.  It’s 9 years old and has reached 100K.  But to me it’s nice.  Really nice. And thanks to my husband’s Scout leader of ages past, we got a really nice deal on it too (we also traded in a car that we gratefully owed nothing on). So instead of the totally fine other cars that I drove that would have been really good deals too, we picked this Mercedes-Benz.  Because I dared to get in it. And our family will fit comfortably in it.  And the price was good and it was his parents’ car and they took really good care of it and you get the picture.  I needed several reasons to allow myself this luxury. But mostly my husband would not see anything else after it caught his eye.  So we took on a car payment  when we were really hoping not to. And here I am in the lap of a luxury waiting area for MY car. And I’m wondering how I - how we - got here.  

I think it’s pretty much a matter of work ethic and talents meets lots of personal life and family trials, meets economic setbacks, meets lots of humility, meets learning curves,  meets the divine scales of balance between justice & mercy, meets repentance and once in a while (lots if you’re lucky 😉), in this life, a tender mercy wins.  

That’s it.  Life is like a box of chocolates.  You never know what you’re gonna get so be grateful when you get some good stuff - some caramel filling.  

Happy Joy Joy!: Why I Am Skeptical of Happiness OR Welcome to My PMDD

I once got mad at an ex for using exclamation marks after every sentence in his letter to me.  It's sad but true that I am leery of overly enthusiastic sorts.

But today?  Today I am going to bask in the feeling that tiny little effervescent bubbles of quiet joy are rising to the surface :-).  The last 5 days or so I have felt unusually peaceful and not as high strung as I tend to be during this time of the month.  YES- THAT TIME; the week preceding my period where I usually want nothing more than to be left alone and if you know what's good for you, you would be more than obliging.  It's NOT typical.  It's NOT PMS.  It's much more debilitating than being a little more moody than usual.  It's an ultra sensitivity that some women have to their own hormonal fluctuations which manifests itself physiologically by way of overcompensating for the imbalances their bodies perceive are threatening their homeostasis.  It's called PMDD which is short for "pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder."   Less than 10% (numbers vary between 3-10%) of menstruating women have it which is probably supposed to make me feel special, but it doesn't.  Especially since I have never been a "typical" enough case to actually be diagnosed as such.  Without going into too much of the diagnostic aspect of it (go here http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004461/ if you'd like to), I can have depression and irritability on days other than the typical week before your period.  But that being said (and it even acknowledges it in that link), there is definitely someone pumping up the volume dial of my symptoms those 7-8 days (anytime after ovulation really, i.e. second half of the cycle) before the relief that comes with my period.  Yes, the relief.  So if you're miserable when you start your period, you probably don't have PMDD.  Other unpleasantries and disruptions to your life?  YES. But PMDD? NOT SO MUCH.

OH MY GOSH!  I really wanted to talk about how good I feel right now!  But I always feel the need to give background information so you (really I'm writing for my own clarity but if this helps you that's awesome) can get the BIG PICTURE.   And there's a lot going on in this picture (maybe even enough to create my own IMAX movie).  Make no mistake, this is really personal stuff and not something I usually bring up in many conversations.  And it's taken me YEARS (I'm 44) to give voice to it.  This is me being almost as vulnerable as I can possibly imagine.   I finally have some time, with all my kids in school and working part-time at home, to work through this and allow God to bring everything together so that I can really begin to heal.  I wish it hadn't taken this long.  I have been trying to do the right things for myself, my body and my family all along but, alas, I am so very mortal- so flawed- and I need help and I need the faith and hope to understand that help IS available.  I have felt trapped by some of my life situations and I have felt extremely liberated by others.    What is this opposition that continually besets me? Why must my earth life be so RICH with this experience?  Well, there are a few scriptures that answer this for me: 2 Nephi Chapter 2 (The Book of Mormon) and The Doctrine & Covenants section 122.  You can Google them if you like.  But here is my favorite part where Jacob's father, Lehi, sounds a LOT like our Heavenly Father in addressing his children:

 I have none other object save it be the everlasting ^awelfare of your souls. 

I read a book this past week which may also have a LOT to do with why I feel lighter.  Now I've read MANY a near-death experience book before and I enjoy them much and they also create a feeling of lightness, love and eternal perspective for me that I crave.  This one left me feeling those things too but a little more earthbound.  It was not an NDE.  At least not in the near death of the physical body sense.  The woman was alive but so spiritually and physically exhausted that she thought she'd be better off dead.  She was a very prayerful mother of 4 kids going through some health struggles, financial stresses with their businesses and the stress of parenting.  She actually decided to get on her knees in her extreme distress and offer one last prayer to explain to God why she couldn't go on and why her family was better off without her.  According to her, an angel came and invited her to come with him.   In so doing her spirit did separate from her physical body and she had an experience witnessing the time before her birth when she was in an educational facility where we all prepared for our earth lives.  She met with Heavenly Father and felt of His confidence in and love for her as he extended an invitation to her to receive a special assignment should she so choose to accept it.  Her memories of her pre-earth life and how much she had already grown and become at that point amazed her.  Everyone there amazed her.  We were ALL amazing and on earth, with a more metaphorical STEEL than GUAZE like veil placed in our brains, only understand tiny glitches of how amazing we were -and are- in this life.   And she was amazed by how perfect Heavenly Father is and how he loved and deeply cared for each of us and how much we trusted and wanted to become just like Him.   It's called A Glimpse of Heaven: One Woman's Life-Altering Visit with God.  The rest of the book is about how she goes about fulfilling this "mission" despite many setbacks and some of the unromantic outcomes.

One of the interesting things that struck me about this experience was that, like many others who've had NDEs, the circumstances leading to and following such encounters were not always neatly resolved.   Like it or not, life has a natural form of resistance built into it so that we don't become complacent or negligent to character building experiences, even if we've seen God and know some of the switches and levers behind the Great Oz's curtain.    After reading so many different beyond the veil accounts I see how presumptuous it is to only know more of the plan through more of our senses.  We must experience it.  We must experience it IN a mortal body.  It is only through this very personal struggle that we come to truly know God and what we are made of and by whom we can be made whole again.  And WHY.  Why?  Here's another scripture from 2 Nephi 2.  Verse 25
tells us:

^aAdam ^bfell that men might be; and men ^care, that they might have ^djoy.

I believe that JOY is the ultimate appreciation for and true understanding of real LOVE.   This kind of love can only be experienced between Creator and Creation.  We felt a portion of that before we came to earth.  Then we feel the distress that comes through separation at birth from all that we knew and loved (even though we forget everything, our spirit matter remembers and grieves) but we get to experience new connections here in families, friendships and communities; people we may have even known and been connected to before.  But our Creator is unseen; He who first created us and loved us. We can see evidence of Him everywhere in the other works of His creation (Nature, Space, others) but we miss Him and the Light and Love that emanate from his physical and spiritual presence.   There are limitations placed on us because of what Christians call the Fall.  We are now working our way back up-- the RISE I guess you could call it.  But, don't be fooled,  it looks more like a roller coaster than an escalator and there was a huge piece of track missing that only Jesus Christ could rebuild and has through a thing called the ATONEMENT: a sacrificial offering of love and Priesthood power.  I think my personal trials in life have done everything to illustrate and bring this concept home for me.  Being a woman and mother is no cake walk but I have come to learn something of the love my heavenly parents must have for me when I share tender moments with my kids.  My mental and physical health struggles challenge me to reach up and out for insight and the strength to forge new habits and solutions that will bless me.  Mostly I struggle with the patience it takes to serve imperfectly, realizing that God's grace is enough to make up for what I lack.  And I get discouraged and feel like God is ignoring my needs.

But He's not. That's why I wanted to write today.  I want to thank my Heavenly Father for inspiring me in all the little ways that seem to finally be making a big difference.  Those, I suppose, will be topics for future blog posts because I really need to get off this computer.  But know that I know He is helping me!  (yes, that is an exclamation point!!!)